Now that I’m not acting crazy I can accept feeling crazy once in a while.
Saying no to ourselves may be a greater act of courage than rushing into a burning building to save a child. The act of heroic rescue may be impulsive, almost involuntary, and completed before there is time for a reasoned judgment. Ah, but the other one! To consciously challenge our own will is never a spontaneous thing. We may feel crazy the first day we deny ourselves the familiar comfort of nicotine or other substances. The first, or fifth, or twenty-fifth time we practice detachment may make us feel like we’re coming apart. First efforts at taking responsibility for our own behavior can make us feel as peculiar and disjointed as if we’d decided to go through the rest of our lives walking on our hands instead of our feet.
But to be crazy is to keep on asking for what we don’t want. If, for a while, sane action has to be accompanied by crazy feelings – then so be it. To accept that paradox and forge ahead anyway is to join the ranks of heroes who don’t get medals. No medal can adequately symbolize those fierce and private battles.
Today, I ask my Higher Power for a surer sense of mission.
This is relevant to me right now, as I am weaning myself off of cigarettes. The fact that I use nicotine as an emotional crutch is quite apparent to me, and I get awfully upset at myself.
I gotta get ready for school; hope everyone had a great day!