My Turmoil

13 Nov

I’m struggling with several things right now, & I feel like I’m caught in between two opposing forces that will neither overcome each other nor ever relent.

I’m also pretty certain a lot of my intensity is due to having quit smoking less than 3 weeks back.

I don’t know if anyone can help, but I do know I feel very alone & those whom I used to rely on for help have evolved to the point where I cannot trust their assistance will be available when I feel the greatest need.

I’ve been told that the intensity of my personality is likely permanent, & no amount of meditation or studying or maturing of any sort will ever temper me to a “laid back, relaxed” kind of person. That same person told me the intensity of my personality has a purpose, that it is God’s will and is Good.

I find Life to be tedious and frustrating. I feel things very very deeply, & I have the sense that others want to let the melodrama pass them by so I am sidestepped.

I am the only person which can change my situation yet I see no solution.

I have been told enough times, by enough people that the purpose for this life is the struggle . The beauty is found amongst the pain. I simply do not grasp that.

I do know that I tend to explode situations which are flowing too smoothly. I can reason out the need to conquer a concept then move on to the next.

Where I get lost and confused and frustrated and irate and furious is the fact that I feel there is no pleasure in between, there is no rest, no reward.

I feel so little encouragement for the achievements I do wring out of my existence that I am bitter about it when it does come. It feels like I am being teased and made fun of. I imagine that others lend a typical steady stream of support; that is what I believe a family is built around.

So, my existence feels so devoid of Family, of support, that I tend to draw deeply when it is there, and my projection is that I draw too deeply which others feel repelled by. The cycle begins again.

Is there Respite? My studies suggest that koans do, in fact, have a ‘correct’ answer. The tension has release. When/Where duality is discarded for Oneness, there is Peace.

That leads me to believe I should shuck my physical needs, reject the trappings of society and focus on God.

Well, fuck. At least one of my understandings of ‘God’ involves society. Scrap the idea of Societal Rejection.

Back to the Tension
Koan: Life


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