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Where I’m at right now

06 Apr

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Feeling sad right now. Thinking about the relationships in my life. It’s really odd. There’s people I value attention from and think so highly of that I’ll still drop about anything for, in order to help them (thinking of a few people specifically right now – perhaps unsurprisingly predominantly women). Then there’s people I’m aware of that want my attention – and I’m not oblivious to that – but I just feel no compulsion to satisfy their desire.

I saw a list of “poor personal boundary symptoms” recently, and there were several behavioral characteristics on it which are pretty common for me. The whole “drop anything” deal was on that list. The “symptoms” I related to were things that aren’t necessarily choices, per se, but very much felt at a very deep level. I felt really really sad reading that list and judged myself awfully harshly for finding things I identify with very strongly as being classified “warning signs.”

I cognitively understand that I need to get more centered in myself in order to relieve my suffering. I cognitively believe that when I do not need, opportunities will present themselves.

I’m hurting now, though. I’m confused about so many things, and so scared that the parts of my life that I treasure will fade away and reject me as no longer useful or wanted.

I’m tired of hurting, and I simply don’t want these feelings anymore. And I’m pissed that I have to push through them and feel all this awful nasty shit in order to release it.

God damnit.

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