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*Sigh*
Jeez, Louise. Back to the same ol’, same ol’.
I think, now that I’m closer to 50 f’n years old, maybe it’s time to actually face these demons face-first head-on and make a true attempt to solve these bugaboos I’ve been carrying around for so long.
There’s a song by Alanis Morissette that has been sticking in my head these last few weeks. The lyrics just beat me about the head and damn they hurt (too true).
“Just when I thought
I had handled solace
I could soften my guard behind false confidence
Just when I felt
Humbled by insipid
Except from this blind-side and from reading a script
‘Cause I am seduced by reaction and under the influence
I’m slipping again
Up to old tricks, off my wagon
I have no defense
I’m wreaking havoc and consequence
I get reduced by my own willfulness
As I reach for my usual god replacements
‘Cause I am rich with sanction and lax in my steps
If forgiveness is understanding that I
Affirming a compact for the millionth time
From this tumbling house of cards of mine
I am beaten by my impulsiveness
By this uncanning foreshadowing of regret
‘Cause I’m repulsed by restriction
(at least that’s my excuse)”
Went to a book launch this evening for an author that lives relatively near to me (relative, b/c neither I nor the author live in a metropolitan area). Saw a person there that I’d met a number of years ago at a convention for the franchise that this book launch was a part of, and that person had ignored several requests by me to attend various events locally within that franchise in the time that’s passed since the convention. So I decided, in that interim, to just ignore the person. If they are going to cold shoulder me, then F them.
And it pisses me off, knowing that most likely I don’t occupy a split second of their attention. However I can’t shake it.
I’m left believing that I must be the problem.
Goddamn. I don’t know how to correct 5 decades of miswiring and internal defenses built up to protect me from offenses that most people probably don’t even notice.
My hypersensitivity is also something I try to mask off, because there are people in my family that are of the “rub some dirt in it and move on” pursuasion, and if they acknowledge the “suffering” I feel, it’ll be to negate my experience and mock me for not letting it go.
I feel like a lemon of a human.
And lonely.
Yeah, feel like not going in
Expected white out conditions. For some dumb reason, I’m worried about how the other drivers would react to my calling in. I say dumb because they don’t even acknowledge me when I’m there unless I address them directly as it is.
Gotta get a job that doesn’t involve the weather at all, save for transporting myself there and back.
Yup
I guess that waiting in -15°F wind chill for someone that was supposed to have set stuff aside for me, while he’s doing something else (with apparently no intention of doing the stuff to help me – which is also his job) is motivation enough.
I need to find different means of drawing a paycheck.
Happy freaking birthday, Me.
This is getting old
I’m pretty certain the people I work with, like, directly are sending those passive-aggressive signals that they want me to move along.
It’s so exhausting to me. I just wanna do my job and go home. Feeling it if place is normal to me.
Accepting who I am
So, I’ve listened to one audiobook, Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity, written by Dr Devon Price. There were a lot of things in that book which resonated with me, to a not-ignorable degree.
I’m beginning to accept the high likelihood that I am at least mildly autistic. I still resist the idea, I’m not super big on self-diagnosis. When a person goes looking to confirm what they think they’re probably gonna find it (which is one of the reasons why I hate social media – it’s become such an echo chamber, the algorithms make it that way).
I’ve asked myself: what do I hope to gain from an ASD (autism spectrum disorder) diagnosis? The answer is simply then I can begin to let myself off the hook for behaviors and perceptions which have kept me largely isolated most of my life. By “most of my life”, I mean like why I’m the proverbial Black Sheep in my immediate family when the others are all so tightly bound, with strong friendships outside of the typical familial bonds.
I’ve always been so jealous of people that have such close ties to their siblings. Jealous, and confused. I’ve also judged myself awfully cruelly, for not having that. That cruel self-assessment extends to so many parts of my life. It’s no wonder people keep me at arm’s length. Do you want to spend time with someone that clearly loathes themself? It’s always left me so despondent; I feel like I’m a good person, and I do care about people. There’s just this… veil between me and all the other “them”s.
Wow, I’m starting to get pretty sad, actually acknowledging this stuff. Like, really really sad. Ya know, I haven’t cried in probably 5 or 6 years. Something else that makes me feel broken, like a lemon of a human. I feel so deeply, but I can’t really touch the feelings. It’s like…. I’m wrapped in plastic, and I’m submerged in emotion. It’s always there, always somewhat influencing me, but never actually connected to me.
I’m awfully tired. I got up around 4:30 so I could get to my parent’s home by 5:30 and start the smoker. I smoked 3 racks of ribs for Thanksgiving, even though Mom still baked a turkey in the oven. The ribs turned out pretty good, better than the last time. Just a shade too dry for my personal tastes, but still pretty good. Dad and my brother-in-law both liked them.
Happy Thanksgiving, and good night.
Personal struggles
I have a very difficult time with people that give no visual reactions to things I say. When I’m talking about something, say a choice I made or a position I take on a subject, and the person(s) I’m talking to give absolutely no visual clues as to their response or reaction, I feel like I’m an untethered balloon floating around.
I know, I shouldn’t base what I do/say/think on how others…. receive that info.
I have taken so much grief and flak from certain people my whole life for thinking the “wrong” thing, or believing the wrong thing….. I’ve just felt like I’m not supposed to do anything but go with the crowd.
There are absolutely things that I’ll confidently have a stance on. Music, for instance. There are musical groups, or even styles, that I appreciate, which are against the norm. And I typically end up needing to appreciate those alone.
It feels so isolating.
And when people I respect and look up to do not give any hints to me about their opinions on things I’m not 100% confident about, I feel lost.
My gut reaction is to just abandon the relationship.
Doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for….
It’s too black & white. And even more isolating.
Exhausting.
Two nychias
I’ve had an infection in/on my big toe, left foot, for a couple months now. I changed jobs in August, so I knew my health insurance was going to be paused for about 6 weeks.
I went in to see my general practitioner, my doctor for like 30-something years now, to try to clear it up before that insurance lapse happened. The first antibiotic he put me on is Cephalexin. 10 days of that, no improvement. Got in to see the doc just before the insurance from the old job died, & he told me about a potential procedure where they slice a bit (like ⅛”) off the toenail where the infection is messing with stuff. I thought maybe we should just go nuclear and do that right away – even though it sounds painful in a way I want nothing to do with. He said let’s try Amoxicillin for now. Okie dokie.
Now that I’ve been off the Amoxicillin for a few weeks and the infection still hasn’t cleared up (not really much worse, maybe a very little bit), and my new insurance has kicked in, I managed to swing an impromptu visit this afternoon after my lab work (I get an INR monthly, to monitor my blood thinners).
Now, he agrees with me. We scheduled the procedure for about 2 weeks out, and we’re trying a third antibiotic in the meantime (Sulfamethoxazole / Trimathoprim).
This stupid thing, the toe or infection, or whatever. It doesn’t like really hurt, but there’s a steady soreness that never really goes away. And although I can put it on the back burner in my mind, my body knows it’s hurting all the time. Which means my stress levels are a shade amped.
The very first visit I had regarding the infection, my doctor told me the most groaner of a joke about the infection, but it makes me.laugh every time I think about it (& of course he played on the riff this afternoon). He explained what the infection is – which is called Paronychia. Then he said “What do you think Paronychia is?” I felt like it was a setup, and I was rewarded with a good belly laugh at his answer. “A Paronychia is two nychias.” 🤣
Really don’t want to go to work
That is all. Just don’t want to go to work today.
But I gotta get dressed and ready. Roads are gonna be garbage, since it’s been raining/snowing since about 8am yesterday.
Tonight
2.days ago at work, we ended up discussing food. Ribs came up, and I’ve been wanting some since. I tried to enlist my body-builder buddy, but that was a no-go. On weekends I work, our schedules do not mesh. I tried to enlist my sister, and she disappeared somewhere (I think she went to our other sisters’ place).
So after work I decided to stop at Good Company and order some for takeout. I got there maybe 40 minutes before they closed for the night, and the hostess gave me a menu to decide what I wanted.
No ribs on the menu. Hmm. When I googled “best ribs near me,” that restaurant was recommended. Well, Covid-19 has changed the landscape, & shit has changed. Ok. So, what do I want now? Everything I wanted would’ve probably be best eaten there at the restaurant (for that matter, any ribs worth their salt would be best not taken home after cooking).
So I asked for a table.
When the waitress arrived, she asked what I wanted to drink. I asked for Dr Pepper (my go-to soda). She said “We don’t have it; I wish we did.”
Ok, so now this observation came to me after I got home, but it doesn’t necessarily disturb me that I didn’t catch it straight-away. I’ll likely be more cognizant (or suspicious) in the future, but for tonight, I’m ok. She may have just been employing techniques to be endearing to those seated in her section. We feel a connection with those that express similar likes to us.
So after she said she wished they had Dr Pepper, I felt…. how do I say it. Well, warmer towards her. I didn’t necessarily need anything to aid that. She was probably half my age, probably (less than) half my weight, with long brown hair in a high ponytail. So the “half my age” thing is endearing to me, but not necessarily attractive. I’m firmly of an age where girls I could’ve sired… I’m not sexually attracted to them, where if I were 20 years younger I absolutely would be. The brown hair thing is a preference of mine. Long hair, a preference (& hers was long, long). High ponytails should be worn more IMO.
She was attractive to me, but not in a way that I would’ve done anything about without having felt ashamed about afterwards – which meant I wouldn’t have done anything about even if someone 80 pounds overweight and over the hill was “her thing.”
So I ordered a soda and glanced through the menu. I wanted to eat a nice dinner, and at the same time I have this Liberal Guilt thing. I knew they were close to closing, and my food probably wouldn’t even get to my table before they turned off their Open sign if I ordered anything besides a sandwich and fries.
So when the waitress got back to my table, I asked her how much time I had. She told me I had plenty of time, and not to worry about it. Go ahead and order what I wanted. So, I told her what I really wanted was the tenderloin and salmon. Once again, she explained that was her favorite meal on the menu. She seemed genuinely excited, which could very well have just been an act. But it sold me.
I’ve really been craving attention and connection with people lately. I’m still extremely, extremely lonely. So, even if the interaction with the waitress was merely a ploy on her part to earn a couple extra bucks for a tip, it worked. I was grateful for the way she interacted with me, and it definitely brightened my evening.
When she came around the first time after having brought my food to me, and asked me how my food was I was chewing a bite of food at the time. That liberal guilt, or whatever it is prompted me to cover my mouth with my hand so I could answer her with food still in my mouth because I didn’t want to make her wait. I answered her quite honestly “Outstanding!” The salmon was just slightly on the salty side but the spices and herbs on it were wonderful. The tenderloin was cooked to perfection, slightly less done than I ask for, but it was still absolutely terrific. The side I ordered was cream cheese and chive mashed potatoes, and I asked for bacon on the top. The menu suggests bacon and cheddar, but I explained to the waitress that I didn’t need cheddar since I had the cream cheese already.
Anyways, back to the interaction with the waitress: as I said, I told her that the meal was outstanding. When I said that to her her eyes lit up (she was wearing a mask, like 95% of the rest of the staff in the restaurant, so I couldn’t truly gauge her facial expressions outside of her eyes), she clapped her hands together once and literally jumped up and inch or 2. It was beyond cute.
As I said towards the beginning of this blog post, she may very well have been just employing a technique to be more endearing to me so I’d be willing to tip her more generously. The more and more of these signs I saw, I should have been more suspicious.
Wait, maybe using the word ‘should’ is not fair in this situation. I need connection with humans, and she was definitely filling that role for me. You could say she was performing a service, one which I appreciated.
I’m beginning to feel like this post is too long. In the first place, when I’m posting here I’m substituting it for a conversation with someone else. No specific someone else, just an interaction with people. I want people to want to know how my days go, such as in the small finite details. And since I don’t have people like that right now in my life, I use this WordPress blog as a place to explain those details as though someone cared enough to ask and/or listen.
So when I left the restaurant, the waitress explained to me that I could take my bill up to the hostess station and pay there. I left a $20 bill as a tip for her. My typical tipping practices, that was about four times what I would have left. I felt she earned it, and I was happy to leave it for her. She definitely made my experience at the restaurant better, whether her interactions with me were genuine or not. Honestly, does it really matter? I was happier as a result of my interactions with the waitress, the food she brought me was fantastic, and that’s really all I could have asked of a situation where I was eating a meal at a restaurant alone.
I need to make more friends, friends that can fit into my life more easily. Friends that I don’t have to shuffle my schedule around to spend time with.
Yup
Well, seems like I’m definitely gonna need to invest in more compression socks. My right ankle/foot is definitely having a rough time of it on work days.
Also, I’m not used to 12 hour shifts, mostly due to the amount of time I spend just waiting. Standing still hurts, physically.
The person training me, Angel, pulled a weird move yesterday. She told me “I’m just gonna go tell So-and-So we’re going on break. So I figured why do I need to wait for her to tell me we’re going on break? I’ll just go on break. I get back, and she’s standing around talking to someone from the opposing day shift. Turns out she didn’t go on break.
Not certain what to think about that. Going on break is like the one thing I can absolutely do without needing apron strings. This job is complicated, and while I know for certain I’ll be able to handle it in time, I’m absolutely in the deep grass here. In the weeds. So if there’s an opportunity for me to do things without needing to be lead by the nose I jump on it.
Anyhow, time to get dressed. I want to get to work earlier than I have been. I’ve still been there in plenty of time, but I prefer to be earlier. I’m fine sitting in my pickup. Just being early gives me a sense of satisfaction, security.
Update
Feeling really lonely right now.
Started a new job last week, working 12-hr shifts alternating 3 and 4 days p/week. Feet are not happy about standing on concrete, or just standing 12 hours a day. Concerned about how my legs will take it. Might need to add a compression sock for my right leg on days I work (I wear one on my left leg 7 days p/ week now, after 3 blood clots in that leg).
Have been reaching out to the friends I’m closest to, trying to initiate time to hang out with them. This is not normal for me, as it’s difficult for me when people say “no”. I prefer to let others ask me if I want to spend time, since it seems they’re so busy so much of the time. But I’m trying. And being shot down most off the time.
Everyone in my family is in Hawaii right now. I’m pretty bitter about it, mostly because I make decisions that led to my not being able to afford to go. But my youngest sister had planned to get married there, which then I could’ve afforded it. But the wedding was in Florida 2 weeks ago. And the weather wasn’t that satisfying.
So I’m mad at myself, mad at my sister for buckling to pressure from 2 couples to have the wedding on the mainland, frustrated that I have no friends to just hang out with and decompress.
Gotta be at work by 5:45 tomorrow morning. 6pm now. Too early to go to bed. Feeling like eating, but my weight has stopped trending down (still like 80lbs overweight).
Tried to go to a recovery meeting this afternoon, but even though it was listed on the website it has folded. I haven’t even tried to go to a meeting in a handful of months.
Blah blah blah.
Typical Social Confusion
So, I started watching The Good Doctor back sometime during when the first season was airing. I connected with the main protagonist, Dr. Shaun Murphy, almost instantly. It took me probably another year to really figure out why. That was when I discovered a TV show that had already ended, Parenthood.
By now, there’s a theme emerging. That theme is the autism spectrum.
So, a little more background, to more thoroughly explain the vast spiderweb of cul-de-sacs and IEDs which is my psyche: several years ago I was seeking counseling help while attending college. That counselor was quite… I think helpful, at the time. If course, there was the complication that she was undeniably physically attractive (& I was dealing with a breakup, amongst other much much older neuroses), in addition to the fact that at the time I was subconsciously tying motherly-style affection for a more… well, non-motherly-stlye affection. Anyways, that counselor said she had something akin to a diagnosis for me. Then, she gave me the option to either see that/those conclusion(s), or to not decide to apply that as a definition of myself and continue to focus on healing the symptoms individually while creating and/or revealing my own definition of myself.
Now I love definitions. Give me some good ol’ black and white, non-permeable boundaries that create structure and order in the universe, and I’m a happy camper. It gives me a baseline from which I can then construct a foundation for my social paradigm.
But I want to think differently. I want to be able to be more flexible with how I see and interact with the world. After all, in the actual world I/we live in, there are almost no metaphorical blacks or whites. Nearly everything falls in the 254 shades of grey between the two.
So with that counselor, I decided to take Door #2. I told her that I didn’t want to saddle myself with a “diagnosis”, which during times of stress and turmoil I might be tempted to use said diagnosis as a crutch.
I also do not want to be a hypochondriac. I don’t want to think that whenever struggles arise they can be solved with this pat answer, or that pigeon-holing excuse to slide past.
But fuck, would that be easier and simpler.
Now to tie it all back together. I watch what I see others doing, and try to learn how. How do people Life? How do others articulate and maneuver the pitfalls and switchbacks? And for fuck’s sake, how do they do it with confidence and a sense of security that it’s going to be ok when nothing is consistent or reliable?
And I’m pretty certain these views are at least consistent with or parallel to Asperger’s Syndrome.
Now, the most recent DSM eliminated the subcategories of autism, and basically closed the book on autism itself. So the most recent medical thinking basically nulled that whole “thing”.
Ok, it’s getting beyond late. I wanna get these thoughts out.
Yesterday I was texting with an old “friend” (a person I have a lot of history with and a few shared interests, but who’s demeanor I can find rather overwhelming and crude). A few days before I asked if she wanted to join me at a symphony concert where the orchestra would be performing the score for Return of the Jedi while the movie will be playing on a screen above the orchestra.
Another side note: I’ve been a huge Star Wars fan for most of my life. Yeah, it’s mostly the best contraceptive known to western humankind. Such is life. Side note part deux: she is another person who holds Star Wars in high esteem.
Anyways, she told me she’d get back to me later that day.
So I texted her yesterday, and asked her if the cost for the concert tickets was simply out of her reach for now. I wanted to get my tickets before the sales were opened up to the general public (I have season tickets for classical performances at that orchestra, this affording me early access to individual concerts like the Star Wars show).
She confirmed my suspicion, as she was planning a dual birthday with her adult daughter where they are flying to Florida as well as planning her wedding which will also happen in Florida.
I thought it was safe for me to be honest with her, and I explained that I was really excited for the show. I was a trumpet player in school, and I both enjoyed it as well as had skill in it.
She came back with something to the effect of “a person needs a degree of maturity to be able to be humble about proficiency”. I blew past that, because it’s really, really, REALLY difficult for me to compliment myself, but I felt safe with her. Not to mention the basic fact that the way we were treated in school, the instructor placed me in positions indicating that I had skill and talent with the instrument.
It wasn’t until she then said something else about how “you must have been really good” that I began suspecting she was inferring that I was being decidedly un-humble, and from that I’d guess that she may not have believed me.
Now I’m feeling wildly self-conscious, and my general trust in people had gone down a few (more) notches.
It’s true, she may have been dealing with her own inadequacies, or has a bad morning, or whatever. And if I was secure in myself, my confidence wouldn’t be shaken by someone coming at me sideways.
But that interaction hurt. I trusted her, and all I was doing was letting myself be excited about something, happy. Once again, I get bitch-slapped for being honest and happy.
I just don’t understand how people do this Life thing.
How am I supposed to be even trust happiness when I’m punished for it by those that at least outwardly indicate they want my trust?
Time for bed. I tend to get more melodramatic when I’m tired.
Bet ya believe that, eh?
Tight rope
I live with my sister, in her house. She has an elderly cat that’s getting more and more OCD about where it gets its drinking water from.
I’m not a huge cat person to begin with. I typically don’t necessarily mind them, except that I have a few pet peeves (sorry, that’s the term which fits best) that cats just couldn’t care less about. I think cats feet are disgusting (pet feet in general, really).
“Rules” (boundaries) I have regarding pets, which I doubt I’ll ever get over:
- Animals do not belong on table or countertops
- Animals do not belong on my bed
- Animals may not lick my face
My sister’s cat has decided he must drink water directly from a tap, and lately he’s chosen the bath spigot.
She bought him a water fountain thing that provides him running water constantly. I haven’t seen him drink from that in … weeks, I’d guess.
He’s begun yowling and yelling whenever he doesn’t have access to the one bathroom in the house. When my sister is gone, he just wanders around the house yelling nearly constantly. Until she gets home.
After about a week of my sister actually hearing the yelling/yowling, she took him to the vet. I understand his thyroid is out of whack, & basically he thinks he’s thirsty all the time, even when he has just finished drinking water.
I’m really struggling with not being an arsehole, because I just cannot understand why the cat needs water directly from a tap. Water is water is water.
This frustration has been building for years. I don’t want to be a dink. It’s like the cat has decided to push my buttons intentionally (made that choice in it’s walnut-sized brain). I also don’t want to create extra stress for my sister. She’s obviously worried about the cat. She’s had him for over a decade. She got him from our other sister with another cat (that one I really didn’t mind at all), which died 2 years ago. A few years before that, she had to put a different cat to sleep (a diabetic cat she’d gotten from me, b/c I learned I wasn’t cut out to be a cat owner).
Very tricky situation for me, all told. I’m extremely sad for my sister, and I’m sad for this poor cat honestly. I just want the cat to quit whining and accept the water provided for it.
There is no win in this for me, or for my sister, or for the cat.
Pity party
Do you know how lonely it is when none of your friends ever call?
Or maybe a better way of saying it is: it’s really lonely being friends only with those people that receive so many calls so as to not have a habit of needing to call people to make plans.
I’m getting desperately lonely. I’m solitary at work, which typically means it’s time to move on.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
On the positive side, all my side effects from my 2nd Moderna shot have retreated, & I’m feeling about as 5×5 as I can right now.
2nd Moderna dose
Got my 2nd vax shot yesterday! It’s an exciting thing, but right now (approx 24½ hrs later) I feel like crap.
Started feeling this flu-like warning system kick in about 6 hrs ago. Which is about 2 hrs after I texted my family that I won the Moderna Side-Effects Lottery.
Figures.
Probably have a fever, do have stiff achey joints, very lethargic, & what I call “Cotton Brain” (feels like cotton balls in my head). All classic flu symptoms for me.
I guess I didn’t mention the sore shoulder where the pharmacist stuck me. I expected that one. That was all that I experienced for my first dose a month ago.
Just popped 1K mg of acetaminophen, & setting my alarm to get up for work in 9 hours. TBH, kinda feel like calling in. But tomorrow morning, we’ll see how I feel post-shower. Gotta get up and get the blood moving before I can make an honest assessment of how I really feel.
Ummm
Going through drive thru at Tom’s (fried pickle spears are back today!) & the kid handed me my card back and said “here ya go, Boss”.
Didn’t know that I dislike that as a nickname.
I do dislike that nickname.
1st “cold” in a year
Pretty sure I caught a cold at the funeral on Friday. First one in a year.
Kinda makes me nervous. What else did I maybe catch there?
I’m eligible for the C-19 vaccine in my state as of today. I have hypertension, and people 16+ with that medical condition (along with many, many other conditions) are eligible beginning today.
I don’t want to be a hypochondriac.
It’s warming up outside. Spring is trying to break free. That’s relieving. Spent time with a buddy on Saturday evening, & he invited me to spend time with some of his friends I’ve never met who were having a fire at their place. If the temperature hadn’t dropped into the 40s at sunset, I would’ve been much more open to the idea. I didn’t bring a warm enough coat to be able to be comfortable away from a fire, and those kind of situations tend to be much more fluid.
I don’t like having a cold. Plus, I’m supposed to go to my general practitioner tomorrow after work to get a recheck on my blood pressure. I’ll have to check their website for the list of symptoms they ask about, which I typically can mindlessly answer “no” to.
Wow
So last Thursday a fella I’ve known for close to 25 years drank himself to death.
Last October I invested quite a bit of effort into getting him into treatment for alcoholism, but he simply wasn’t ready to quit.
I’ve maintained a friendship with his ex-wife, and have been trying to help her to deal with her journey through this. She was the person that initially contacted me last autumn to get him some help.
My issue with that (the helping the ex) is that I’m not even close to her primary support. Woah, woah, woah. Yup – we’ve struck a nerve. One of the ways I feel needed is when people lean on me during “trying times,” which is an awfully unhealthy character trait. I’m aware of it, and try my best to keep awareness front and center when I’m in situations like that. Unfortunately, I have some self-esteem wrapped up in there too.
Which serves to highlight that I’m still a sick puppy.
Fast forward to 20 minutes ago. My youngest sister just announced to our immediate family that one of her best friends from high school died of cancer yesterday. We knew it was coming, & mom told me (yesterday?) that my sister was having a hard time with this. I think that’s understandable.
I don’t really even have any close friends from high school. I keep reinventing myself, trying to figure out who the hell I am, and people keep going to the wayside in that process.
Have I mentioned that I have some issues?
I feel really bad for all the people that were close to the gal that passed yesterday. She was a very happy outgoing lady with a lot of friends. Many people will be affected by the loss.
I don’t think many people would miss me.
Feeling isolated
I know, I know. With the global pandemic most everybody has been feeling isolated.
I guess one could consider me lucky. I haven’t missed a day of work that wasn’t explained by unsafe driving conditions. Therefore, I’ve had a steady predictable pay check. I am not taking that for granted.
I’m still feeling very alone. Very few people I can relate with. The one real friend I had in the company I work for retired 6 months ago. He got his commercial license before I was even born.
Well, I guess it’s time to get moving. I picked up an extra shift today. Will be easy work today. Grab an empty trailer, haul it 75 miles, swap for a loaded, run it back. Rinse, repeat (then rinse, repeat again).
Podcasts can simulate friendships. I’ve leaned on them heavily.
Been awhile
Winter is setting in “early” (in quotes, b/c I remember snow in October from my youth). I really don’t want to deal with B.S. traffic today. All day.
I drive an 18-wheeler professionally now, & I’m frequently in Chicago. Shit weather will be moving back into the Windy City today, & one of the places I have a delivery is stressful enough without showing up there already stressed out from traffic.
Well, time to get to it. Yay, me.
Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.
—Eleanor Roosevelt
In recovery, perhaps first we make peace with ourselves, and not until later do we become our own friends. We have been at war with ourselves and in turmoil with our families, even while feeling like victims. This program lays out Twelve Steps we can follow to become friends with ourselves. In recovery we may still feel self-hate when we constantly monitor our every action, when we react to our mistakes by berating ourselves, and when we dwell on past offenses. Would we put a friend through that?
A true friend will accept you as you are. He doesn’t put you down or call you derogatory names. He’ll give you honest feedback and won’t put on a false front. He’ll support you when you’re in trouble. Being our own friend means doing these things for ourselves. Perhaps we can even embrace and be kind to the part of ourselves that is addicted and codependent.
Today, I will be a friend to my whole self – even the parts of me I have rejected.
From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.
Today
I’m craving a distraction. I know I desperately need to clean, and all I can think about is what Star Wars Lego kit I could buy. There really aren’t any for sale right now that I even want.
Damnit.
*sigh*
Service call at 12:30am. Got home about 2:30. 3:30 now, wide awake. Work at 9am.
#SuperExcited
#LivingTheDream
Hrmph
So, I bought a new car this week. A 95 Camry, this one a 4 door with a 3.0 V6. It’ll probably roll over to 52K miles tomorrow or Monday.
I grabbed a $125 cd-deck for it, because it had a stock cassette player.
Bought a windshield sun protector thingy that has the iconic image of Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Obi Wan, and Chewbacca staring out of the front of the Millennium Falcon.
I’m in some sort of feeling mode, because all that money spent hasn’t sated me. I ran all over Appleton this afternoon, looking for a Star Wars Lego set to put together (almost bought the Star Destroyer kit… which is enormous). Now I’m thinking of running to the Walmart across town to look at their collection of Legos, and a jump drive for my car to play music from.
What am I trying to avoid? Retail therapy sucks.
Learning, & the story no one wants to hear
A couple days ago, I got a notion in my head that I should do some Window Shopping Therapy. I ended up at Best Buy, & was browsing the used games for PS3.
For whatever reason, I started looking at the display of XBox Ones and PS4s. After half an hour of talking with two sales reps, I walked out with an XBox.
I couldn’t get my external hard drive to link up to it, & it wasn’t designed as a standalone media player anyways. Took it back the next day & brought home a Playstation.
PS4, I was able to get music & videos to play from the hard drive, eventually. It won’t play video files without an internet connection at all. The music files, it doesn’t read the metadata – which means absolutely no sorting whatsoever.
I’m probably (like 99% certain) gonna return the PS4.
Usually I won’t buy anything at all when I know I’m out on a retail therapy tour. This is why.
Friday Surprise
I got home from work on Friday, & my neighbor (Todd) caught me in the parking lot. “You’re in for a surprise,” he says.
The apartment adjacent to mine (Richard’s) burnt to a shell around noon that day. The fire department kicked my doors in to see where the fire was, even though Todd had already directed them to Richard’s outside-access door.
It’s Sunday morning now & it took me that long to realize they’d shut off the gas lines to the building – yeah, I have no experience with house fires.
So… yeah. I wanna take a shower & wash my clothes.
Against the Breeze 